Tough Questions, Long Walks, and The Chosen
From the Archives
This post was originally published on my former blog, Glance Through the Lens, on September 17, 2020.
Thoughts I wrote down in August, 2020:
In some ways I feel completely unsettled. Anyone else? What am I thinking—of course you feel unsettled. What a year this has been…I don’t need to recap it for you.
But I’m not just talking about unsettled in the tangible sense, having to do with your job or school or income or health. I’m talking about unsettled inwardly—spiritually and emotionally and intellectually. In some ways this has been a year of undoing for me, a somewhat painful and humbling reversal of what I’ve always thought or believed.
To be clear, there are things that have not reversed for me, like my faith in Jesus Christ and what He’s done for me. But there are other questions that have shaken me to my core. They are the questions that make my mind wander at my desk, that keep me restless at night, that greet me in the morning. Questions like:
Are my actions consistent with my words?
What role do politics play as I try to walk with Jesus? Does my allegiance lie primarily to a party or a nation, or to God and His kingdom?
How have I let my white privilege blind me to harsh truths that have been right under my nose this whole time?
What am I proactively doing to better serve my neighbors, to stand up for the marginalized, and to be part of the solution instead of the problem?
In some ways I’ve seen how God has prepared my heart for this inward battle. He has slowly been introducing new voices to me in the past year or so, expanding my mindset and pushing my comfort zone. Even though I’ve grown in my ability to wrestle with these kinds of questions, they still make me shudder…it all just feels too tense and weighty and serious, and my people-pleasing self is terrified to disappoint or enrage people I love and respect. That part of me has not changed.
But the way I live my life shouldn’t solely be based on what other people think, should it? First and foremost, I must be faithful to God, His Word, and how He is calling me to live and love others. And walking in obedience of that will not always be comfortable or congruent to what the world wants of me. In fact, many times it will not. Jesus does not guarantee His followers a life of ease, comfort, or leisure, but promises a life of suffering, discomfort, and dying to self.
Dying to self. I have been following Jesus for almost 20 years, and if I’m being honest, that concept—that command—still haunts me. Following Jesus is our great undoing.
So many things I have subconsciously thought about the world and how it should work suddenly feel uprooted. It’s not that I’m tossing everything I’ve ever believed out the window. But it’s as if God is making me put every single one of those opinions under a microscope. “You are a student of My word, a seeker after My own heart—how does this belief need to change? Does this thought need to be molded and reshaped? Where does the truth in this opinion end and the lie begin?”
So reflecting on all of these things, a new set of questions emerges:
Am I using this strange time wisely and being obedient to what God is calling me to do? Or am I twiddling my thumbs just waiting for something to happen or for clear answers to be written in the sky?
Is God’s voice the loudest in my head right now? Or is it mine? Or is it the stampede of voices on social media or in the news?
Am I actually being a steward of God’s Word, eating it like it’s honey and drinking it like it’s Living Water?
Am I putting hope and faith in mankind—if we are able to change and get through this together? Or am I putting my trust and hope in God, who upholds all things and loves us with a force unlike anything we could ever know or imagine?
This is still very much a work in progress for me. I’m not walking into the latter part of this year with all of this figured out. In fact, I probably have more questions than answers at this point. But I’m going to keep walking forward. I’m going to keep seeking God’s face, and hopefully that produces an overflow of love and grace that serves the people around me.
Revisiting this now in September, 2020:
I took a walk yesterday to clear my mind and stretch my legs. As I walked, I took in the smells of freshly cut grass and the sounds of birds chirping. I’ve been trying to get better at quieting my mind—it’s easy for me to drone myself out with my own frantic, blubbering thoughts. I finally reached a point of stillness in my mind and heart, and as He tends to do, God just slipped in something sweet, quiet, and still, just for me:
Where did that wild, childlike imagination go?
And I felt a twinge of sadness. Sadness because I really can see a shift in my heart—a pull to abandon the wonder-eyed, faith-filled, worry-free childlikeness I used to know and wearily stagger into the “grownup” world I now find myself in. A world where I face a constant inward battle on how I should vote, how I should be advancing in my career, and whether or not I’m spending every waking moment being “productive.”
While there is some value in those questions, I think I’ve allowed myself to be weighed down by the suffocating pressure of life and all of the things culture says we should be wringing our hands about—especially in our 2020 world.
When in reality, I think more often than not, I think Jesus would prefer we leave the phone and onslaught of news behind, take a slow stroll with Him down our street, and just be. With Him. Enjoy His presence. Walk together, like in the garden at the very beginning.
I’ve been watching season 1 of The Chosen this week, and I can’t fully articulate what it has done for my heart, but I’ll give it a shot. If you listen to Annie F. Downs’ podcast, That Sounds Fun, sometimes she’ll ask her guests how they view each personhood of the Trinity—their unique relationships with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Specifically, which one do you currently feel drawn to the most?
God knows my answer. He knows the way to my heart, the specific identity of His being that can bring tears to my eyes in an instant, that can comfort me in the most confusing of days, that can open up my heart and mind unlike anything else: God taking on flesh and dwelling among us. Jesus, the Son of Man.
That said, I’m sure you can imagine me watching The Chosen, smiling from ear to ear every time Jesus comes on the scene to hug his mother, play with a child, or hum as He works. Better yet, me bursting into tears when Peter falls down on his knees after Jesus miraculously helps him catch a boat-crushing amount of fish. And Jesus watches from the shore, just laughing. He looks up to the heavens in gratitude and delight for the opportunity to bless this brother, whom He will soon call to catch not fish, but men.
Yes, I know The Chosen is filled with actors and many of the disciples’ stories are exaggerated or made up (but all within reasonable bounds and following historical context clues, in my opinion). But I don’t think the point of this show was ever to make you think you were watching a word-for-word, linear synopsis of the Bible. I think the point was to make Jesus come alive to you. To make the Word of God (both the text and Jesus himself) manifest itself in a way that covers your body in chills, fills your eyes with tears, and stirs your heart with hope.
Well, it worked. And slowly, I’ve felt myself wake up again.
There’s a part in the first episode that I’ve been replaying in my mind over and over. Nicodemus (a Pharisee we hear from in the gospel of John) has gotten a whiff of something fascinating and unknown stirring in the land (hint: Jesus) and is starting to wrestle with his own knowledge and understanding of the Law he has so expertly studied all his life. The scene shows him confiding in his wife (who would much rather stick to tradition and religion), and he says:
What if we’re not seeing the whole picture? What if it’s more beautiful and more strange than we can ever imagine?
This is the question I feel the Lord asking of me. What if my Father’s world is not this simple, black-and-white box I sometimes imagine it to be, or even wish it to be? What if my Wendy-like idea of, “everything makes more sense and everything becomes clearer when you grow up” is actually skewed? More than that, what if that kind of world is actually far lesser than all God offers us?
I went on another walk today. (If you’re not a frequent walker, I recommend it. You’d be amazed at what can happen.) And I sensed God saying something along the lines of:
When My disciples wanted concrete answers or clear paths forward, what did I say? “Abide. Die to yourself. Follow me.”
Bottom line: God is, as Mark Buchanan says, “the Holy Wild,” and while that can be daunting at times, I think it is also meant to bring us immense comfort. If we offer God our faith and our life and surrender the rest, He will reign in His holy, perfect, wildly awesome way.
It’s not that those questions I mentioned in the earlier parts of this post don’t matter—God is still opening my eyes to new things and doing some major course-correction in my heart. The difference is what weight do I give those things? Instead of endless mental pacing, worrying to and fro about what I can’t understand, I can lay all of my questions down on the table before Him and walk away—with my joy, hope, faith, and imagination still in tact.
The key is to seek Jesus’ face, long for His presence, and “watch Him closely.”* Those three things alone solve a menagerie of problems, if only I’d allow myself the time to be still.
Below are just a few of the many resources I’ve clung to the past few months, but I’d love to hear from you as well! What scripture or other resources have helped you navigate this strange time? What have you learned or are still learning? What is bringing you joy right now? How has your faith shifted or grown this year?
Scripture:
“Seek the welfare of the city I have deported you to. Pray to the Lord on its behalf, for when it has prosperity, you will prosper.” -Jeremiah 29:7
“Separate yourself from your sins by doing what is right, and from your injustices by showing mercy to the needy.” -Daniel 4:27
“Lord, hear! Lord, forgive! Lord, listen and act! My God, for your own sake, do not delay, because your city and your people are called by your name.” -Daniel 9:19 (Actually, just do yourself a favor and study the entire book of Daniel. I studied it this summer and it rattled me.)
“All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the Lord evaluates the motives. Doing what is righteous and just is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice.” -Proverbs 21:2-3
“For it is God’s will that you silence the ignorance of foolish people by doing good. As God’s slaves, live as free people, but don’t use your freedom as a way to conceal evil. Honor all people, love the brotherhood, fear God, honor the king.” -1 Peter 2:15-16
“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.” -Romans 12:10
“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33
Really anytime Jesus says “Your faith has made you well” in the gospels…I think He’s talking about more than physical “wellness” there, don’t you?
Books:
Be the Bridge: Pursuing God’s Heart for Racial Reconciliation by LaTasha Morrison
*Hidden in Plain Sight by Mark Buchanan
I’ve read some seriously great books this year—stay tuned for a full list!
Podcasts:
“Jon Tyson + Beautiful Resistance” and “Cory Asbury Part 2” on That Sounds Fun with Annie F. Downs
Lots of podcasts with Pastor Mike Kelsey. Just look him up.
“Faith Leaders Raising Their Voice with Beth Moore” on Be the Bridge with LaTasha Morrison
“Finding Your Voice with Khristi Lauren Adams” on Creativity Chat with Kristin Witcher (aka MY GIRL)
